Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
