I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
