Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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