If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
