R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
