at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
