i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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