I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
