Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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