I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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