someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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