clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
