my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
As shirtless as possible
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
