im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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