Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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