My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
