i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
