does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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