I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
