Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
