I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
