I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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