you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
