I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
