A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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