last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
