My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
