I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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