Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
