ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
