Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
