Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
