apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You pole danced in your parka.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
