I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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