Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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