I love black thongs
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Help. Why am I so naked?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
