all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
