I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
