I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
