Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
