i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
