Michael Bay diarrhea
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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