Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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