I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
