you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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