Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Terrible idea I love it
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
