listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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