Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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