there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I will be naked everywhere
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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