Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
