You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
