hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dick very happy bro
Two words: nipple clamps
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